Do you think this is rude? ....

[Julles]

I have a friend who belongs to a club, which we'll call the XYZ club (sort of a history buff group), and every Christmas she throws a big party for members of the club.

Only thing is, she does not invite all the members, just certain ones.  And the invitees can change from year to year.  In other words, you could have been invited in 2008, but not in 2009, but then might be invited again in 2010.

I find this very odd.  I can understand not inviting every single person from the club.  But to invite one person one year and not the next, when it's such a big and well-known party, I think that just hurts people's feelings, because they do not understand how they "made the list" one year, but next time got "bumped off."

Some people have even assumed they were invited but just never got the invitation, and shown up at the party.  I think that's a reasonable assumption and reasonable thing to do.  But my friend has actually mentioned to them something like, "Oh, I don't remember sending you an invitation this year."

She knows she does this, because she will talk about how one person was not invited last year but was invited this year, and who had the "audacity" to show up without having received an invitation.  It almost seems to me like she does it on purpose, to check people's "etiquette" (sp??) - which, of course, are judged by HER rules of etiquette.

I know she has the right to invite whomever she chooses to her annual party, but I just think this is a little mean.

How about you?

[Brian]

One thought I had is, lets say the club has 120 regular members and doesn't grow or shrink from year to year.  Let's also say that her home and budget for said party can only comfortably accomodate around 40.  Maybe her intent is to try to get everyone included every third year, but maybe inviting those that she feels closest to every year.  I guess if that is her true intent, she should communicate this so that people will understand.

[mascot]

A friend of mine used to belong to a parrot club (as did I).  Every year she would have a party to make bird toys, and she invited about a dozen people from the club.  There was always someone who got butt hurt for not being invited, but it was her party and she had to limit the guests.  Sometimes so-and-so didn't get invited one year because the prior year (or even the prior months) they might have said or done something that bothered my friend.  Sometimes those who didn't get an invite were because they were just plain jerks to others, and sometimes it was because she knew that it was not a good thing to invite the Hatfields and the McCoys to the same party where alcohol was consumed.  Yet other times it was limited to the first dozen people who asked about her party and they were invited.

To me, it sounds like your friend is trying to accomodate the entire club, as Brian said, in shifts...and instead of being rude I think it sounds like she is being considerate because, as you mentioned, it's her party and she can just invite the same people every year.  But that would make those who never get invited feel a bit of separation and could quite possibly cause a bit of dissention between them.

If too many people get upset, she might just have to decide to never have a party with club members ever again.  Problem solved: no one disappointed more than anyone else! 

What's the saying?  You can't please all of the people all of the time? 

...and that's my two "sense"...

[Esther]

IMHO, this "party" shouldn't be touted as a XYZ club party unless everyone could be included. She has the right to invite anyone she cares to have attend but not discuss it openly at your meetings. And yes, I think she is rude.

[Jerry]

Ask her why!  her reply should be interesting.

[mascot]

IMHO, this "party" shouldn't be touted as a XYZ club party unless everyone could be included. She has the right to invite anyone she cares to have attend but not discuss it openly at your meetings. And yes, I think she is rude.

I'm curious why you think she's being rude?  When I have a barbecue at my house and I want to invite co-workers, I can't accomodate all 85 of them, so I invite those that I feel not only could attend, but would.  Is that rude of me?  I guess the thing I look at is that she's not "the club", she is a member of the club, and since she can't have the entire club at her house for a party at one time, why is it rude?  If everyone likes her that much that they feel left out, then she's a heck of a person!  But the alternative is to not have a party at all because she can't invite everyone, and why shouldn't she have a party at her house and invite whomever she wants to invite?

Now, if this is an official "club" party, then, yes, maybe I misunderstood and a "club party" should be open to all club members, but it should be at a venue that can accomodate them all, which usually isn't someone's house unless they have an estate.  But there are lots of times when I have had a party and wanted to invite friends from a car club or what not, but couldn't invite all 150 of them.  I'd hate to think that someone thinks I'm being rude, but I'm entitled to have a party and invite whomever I want.  The down side to that is that I'm not so popular that anyone would give a rats ass if they weren't invited! 

[Kittyzee]

I think this topic is so interesting as to how people have answered:  the guys who've answered don't think she's rude and the women do. 

Some people have even assumed they were invited but just never got the invitation, and shown up at the party.  I think that's a reasonable assumption and reasonable thing to do.  But my friend has actually mentioned to them something like, "Oh, I don't remember sending you an invitation this year."

 

That's just rude, AND because :

She knows she does this, because she will talk about how one person was not invited last year but was invited this year, and who had the "audacity" to show up without having received an invitation.

  Ewww. 

I totally understand where Brian and Blind Too are coming from as far as being able to invite everybody to a party especially if there are a LOT of people.  It should be up to the party giver as to WHO they invite.  But if you are giving a "club" party all should be invited, or invite other people outside the club and just make it a "party". 

[Mikey]

If it is an official club party then clearly all club members in good standing should be invited.  However, it sounds like it is her personal party, paid for by her with no club monies involved and if that is the case she should invite whoever she wants.  You said you understand her not inviting everyone and that implies to me that if everyone was invited it would be more people than what she could handle or perhaps afford.

But to answer your question, no, I don't think it is rude.  I think it is very rude for people to show up when not invited and assume the invitation was lost.  Reminds of the recent White House State Dinner Party......  Seems to me it is perhaps somewhat awkward, but that is her problem to deal with.

If it is an issue with a lot of members of the club then I suggest they start an annual Christmas party where everyone is invited.

Have you spoken to your friend about this?

[Julles]

Thank you, everyone, and especially Michael and Brian, for helping me see this another way.  You're right - of course her home and budget have limits to how many can be accommodated.

The party is Sunday; I will feel her out and see if this is the reason for not including some people - she may well be alternating who comes which year, as you suggested.

[Jerry]

If she can't accommodate everyone she should have said so. People understand.

I want to make a party for actors on another board, but there are way to many.
I thought of selecting perhaps 25  All well and good, but when word got out many will be hurt.
So it is a conundrum!  (can I say that here?)

[mascot]

If I can say dammit, Jerry, you can say conundrum! 

[Esther]

This is why I thought it was rude-=====

I have a friend who belongs to a club, which we'll call the XYZ club (sort of a history buff group), and every Christmas she throws a big party for members of the club.

The party shouldn't be called an XYZ party unless all members are invited. If she chooses to invite certain people to a party, that is different. The rudeness comes in when she/they openly talk  about the XYZ party in front of non invited members.

I'm surprised she doesn't see the problem and make it a truly club party with others helping and/or finding a new venue for it if her home won't handle that many.

Different people at our church have parties and of course don't invite everyone but it is not touted as a church party. It is their personal party. When we have a group party like a Sunday School class party and our home isn't large enough, we speak to use space in our church and the party is advertised as blah blah SS Class Party.

[mascot]

Well, Esther, I'll agree that how it is handled after the fact is kinda rude, talking about who was invited and who had the audacity to show up uninvited.  But I also think showing up uninvited is rather rude as well.

But addressing the party issue itself, that she's having the party at her home and she's inviting a bunch of club members, I don't particularly think that, in itself, is rude. Perhaps the mention of "club" was not to make it an official club party, but just a way of saying that she's inviting a slew of club memebers so they'll all know who will be there.  We probably need more detailed info.  I mean, if the club is ten people and two don't get invited, then yeah, that's rude.  But if the club is 60 people and 20 don't get invited, that's more understandable...40 people at a party (in your home, no less) is quite a bit!

So the only alternative is to not have a party at all, unless she doesn't invite anyone from the club, or even mention the club.  Because, even if she invites a few club members it will get around that she did so, and she will be in the same boat.  I personally think people need to stop trying to read so much into it and understand that she has to limit the invitees.  None of us should speculate why some were invited and some weren't, for all we know she might have put all names in a jar and picked names.

All in all, I think it's kinda sad that we are so programmed that someone is doing something nice for the holidays and all we can do is find fault in how she went about it. 

Think of it this way: every year your boss gives you four tickets to a local baseball/football game - the sky box, the whole nine yards: free food, free drinks, full service.  You can only take three people because you can't buy more tickets.  You have four very good friends that would love to go, and no matter who you choose you're going to upset one of them.  Do you decide not go at all just because one person can't understand that you're limited to three of them?  So they get to go next year and someone else stays home.  Wouldn't it be rude of that one person to show up and expect to get in when you didn't invite them?  I say this because I do occasionally get tickets to a baseball or football game (yes...skybox suite), and of the 3 friends that I have, I can only take one.  There's always someone who whines to me about not taking them.  Usually, that person won't get invited the next time, either.  Who needs that? 

It does seem that the party host throws one helluva party for so many people to feel left out and for all the hard feelings that are expressed!  One should be so lucky!  When I have a party I invite about 20 people and usually a dozen show up...which makes me feel like crap because I could have invited 8 other people who probably would have shown up!

[Julles]

The rule of thumb on party invitations is that half of the people who said they would come, don't.  And half of the people who said they would not be able to make it, they end up showing up after all.

Jerry, just don't say condom.       [color]

[Mikey]

We have a friend who throws an annual Christmas party.  We were first invited several years ago after I was her supervisor.  Most of the attendees were cops.  She retired about eight years ago and I now notice that most of the attendees are not cops.  In fact I recognize only one former cop, a retired homicide sergeant.  Her parties used to be catered but now that they both are retired I'm guessing the cost became too much.  I always ask what we can bring and she of course tells us just to bring ourselves.....  We bring wine....  Our friend does a lot of volunteer work and since retirement her circle of friends invited to their Christmas party now includes mostly neighbors and friends from where she does her volunteer work.  We are again invited this year but I expect that one day our invitation will also be lost in the mail 

[matherfish]

I would think that as long as the "club" was not sent an invitation as a group, or an announcement sent to the entire club, then she has limited those who are invited by sending individual invitations. They have a common interest by being members of the same club, but individual invitations keeps it from beiing a "club party." Those not receiving one should understand that there may be limited space available, or that everyone was not invited. To show up without an invitation is rude, and excuseless. Those who are offended should have a party and invite the whole club if they feel that the whole club should have a party together. They do not have to wait for your friend to put on the party. If the offended feels that they are left out, maybe they should also ask themselves when they last had a party and invited your friend.   IMHO!

[annsc_29710]

Yes it is rude if she saying its a club party and excluding some for any reason. I would straight out ask her why some were not being asked. It would be different if she just said she was having a party and only asked certain people.