A couple of my favorites:
A rope goes into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "I don't serve ropes, get out of here". The rope goes in the next day, same thing: "I don't serve ropes, get out of here". So the rope tied himself up into a knot, then scraped himself on the sidewalk until he was pretty ragged. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey. Aren't you that rope that came in here yesterday?" The rope looks at him and says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot". Read it aloud...slowly.
And the absolute worse pun joke of all:
A guy is tired of working at McDonald's so he sees an ad for a part time bus driver. He gets his permit and applies for the job and gets it for the next fall when school starts. He is given his route, and he has two turns and needs to pick up a dozen or so kids. He starts on Main, turns on Maple, then onto Sesame and on to the school.
The first day he heads on his route and at the first stop there are two little girls, and both are very overweight. He opens the door and introduces himself as their new driver, and both girls answer in unison. One is named Patty, the other likes to be called Patricia, and they say EVERYTHING at the same time so he can't understand them. They get on the bus and he just chuckles. The next stop has a very impatient mom wating with her wheelchair bound son, and she's checking her watch as he arrives and opens the door.
"Do you know you are seven minutes and 28 seconds late? Do you? This is my son Ross and he's special. He is not like the other boys and I have to bring him here every morning. You need to help him off the bus at school and take him to his special education class. You best be on time tomorrow or I'll report you! My Ross is very important to me". He apologizes and then helps Ross on the bus and apologizes again at mom shaking her finger and pointing at her watch.
The next stop is on Maple, and there's one kid halfway up the block and runs with the bus to the stop where the other kids are. He lets the other kids get on the bus and then climbs up the stairs and offers his sweaty hand to the driver. "HIYA! Mr Busdriver! My name is Lester Reese and I'm going to sit behind you here and I'll help you get the rest of the way to school. ANYTHING...hey...ANY thing you need, you just ask your buddy Lester Reese and I'll get it for you! Okay?"
The bus driver is getting stressed on the first day, and the trip to school wasn't any better. He is driving along and then looks over his shoulder and ol' Lester has his shoe and sock off, and his nasty bare foot is on the railing behind the driver. He's picking at a bunyon on his foot and has the tongue waging from the side of his mouth as he picks away. The bus driver has had it, and decides to quit after he takes all the kids to school.
He takes the bus back and tells them that it's no different from his last job, and he'd rather not be a bus driver. They asked, "Didn't you work for McDonald's, though?" "Yes," he said. "Then how is it the same?"
This will kill you (or you'll kill me)
He says, "It's the same old song every damn day: Two obese Patty's, special Ross, Lester Reese pickin' bunyons on a Sesame Street bus!"
