My First Day Back To Work

[happyoutsidegirl]

Well it was stressfull and emotional for me. By 12:30 I was exsausted and wanted to leave, but I maid my 8 hrs. Everyone greeted me with hugs and welcome backs. While I was there a bowling buddy of my dh's came buy to give me his personal things from the alleys. That made it even more emotional for me but I indured it. Just wanted to thank all of you again for your wonderful saport you have shown me. Friends do help one get threw it. Love Ya All!

[Mikey]

I can't say I know or understand what you must be going through during this time of grieving.  We are nearly the same age and I can't imagine loosing my spouse at this time in our life.  I'm glad your co-workers greeted you warmly.  Some people don't know how to react to someone who has recently suffered such a loss such as the bowling buddy who should have let much more time pass.  Take Care 

[LeeAnne151]

Glad you made it through,  I am sure it will get better. Glad your coworkers are supportive.

[happyoutsidegirl]

I can't say I know or understand what you must be going through during this time of grieving.  We are nearly the same age and I can't imagine loosing my spouse at this time in our life.  I'm glad your co-workers greeted you warmly.  Some people don't know how to react to someone who has recently suffered such a loss such as the bowling buddy who should have let much more time pass.  Take Care 

Your right about some people just avoid you compleatly as they just don't know what to say, witch I understand. I knew this guy was getting Bill's thing for me and I had already donated all his balls to the kids leages (but had no idea he had 8 of them hummers) I just was a little taken at first but it was ok.

[Esther]

Hang in there Debbie. Don't you hate it when people say that, like you have a choice? Anyway, I'm glad to hear you made it through the day. There will be times you think, "There, I think I'm going to make it." And then the next day you will see something, hear something, or even smell something that will remind you of your DH and you'll crash. But as time goes by, it will happen less and less and the crash will be less powerful. I think the wound/scar will always remain but will callous/scab over. Sometimes the scab comes off and the wound needs to scab over again. I know that sounds gross but that is the only way I could think to say it. The scar will remain. Give it time and don't try to avoid the hurt. Someone once told me, "There's healing in those tears." God has given them to us for some reason.

I remember going into the hospital where my baby daughter had died a few months before.  I wasn't even thinking of that when all of a sudden I could smell the hospital smell and for the first time in a long time I lost it, just from the smell. Another time I crashed when I was throwing away the prune juice that was in the freezer. She was paralyzed from the waist down and I gave her a lot of prune juice to keep her going. If you know what I mean.

[happyoutsidegirl]

Yes Esther I understand. You explained very well. Thanks. Just wish it would get that first scab?

[Kittyzee]

Aw Deb, I sure do love ya....I wish you much healing in the days to come.  I agree with Esther, I like her comparison to scabs...but it's true.  It will never truly go away, but becomes a part of you.  The intense hurt will ease and you'll be left with the wonderful memories and the things that make your heart smile   

[happyoutsidegirl]

thanks LuAnn, you guyes are just too sweet! 

[Sandye]

Debbie, I'll pray for your healing.  I think it just takes more time than you have had so far...for that first callous/scab.  All you can do right now is get through each day and know that it will be better eventually.  I'm glad your co-workers were supportive and you know you have our hugs and support.   

As Esther said originally, "Hang in there." 

[Jerry]

You are right, many people don't know what to say.   Things will get better and you will become stronger too.  Just takes time.  You made a good move going back to work.

Mike said it well, it's hard to imagine dealing with pain like this.  People do,

[Jonna]

I too like the scab analogy.  I hope you get a little scabbing soon, just don't feel bad when it happens.  It can feel like you are forgetting, you aren't you are just letting the healing happen.  Hugs for you, 

[Bullfrog]

Debbie, there will be triggers that will release memories. Be kind to yourself right now, you have plenty of time to heal. If something makes you really uncomfortable, just don't go there (in your mind or elsewhere) right now.

It's hard for you to imagine right now, but someday you will hear yourself laugh again. Time will heal you and work is a good diversion. We are here anytime that you want to talk.

Sometime internet friends are the best kind of friends, they can't see you cry and you can let it out. Take it one day at a time and keep in touch with us, let us know how you are doing. You have a good support group here. I have never seen a greater group of people on one forum.

[Bullfrog]

I am so pizzed off. I just made a really heartfelt post to you and it was lost in cyberspace. I spent a lot of time making it and will try again tomorrow to reproduce it. Maybe it will be better, maybe God has a plan and it was mean't to be.

But this was a part of it. Garth Brooks, "The Dance."

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

[frloplady]

Hugs Debbie.  Sorry for the ouch..but you will make it

Mary

[happyoutsidegirl]

Bullfrog! even better than you post #11? Wow! I feel better already.
Thank you Mary, I love hugs

[Bullfrog]

I had a daughter that died at the age of 13. To make it worse, I was the first medic to arrive at the scene when she was critically injured. We had no suction and she was choking on her own blood so I had to suck her blood and tissue out of her airway with my mouth and a piece of rubber tubing and spit it out.

There will be triggers. To Esther, it was a smell of a hospital. To me it was a funny hat. Months afterward, I could be in the mall and see a funny hat on a mannequin and just loose it.

Time will heal you believe me. I went to professional counselors to help me to deal with this and they were no help at all. It was a simple Mom who had walked in my shoes that gave me the words that sustained me.

She asked me, "Even if you knew how it would end, and the pain that that would bring, would you go back and do it all over again? Just to have known her and felt her love?"

The answer then was and still now is a big YES.

More words from Matthew. "Come to me, all you who are burdened and I will give your soul rest. Take my yoke upon you for my yoke is light and I am a kind and gentle spirit and I will give your soul rest."

Throw it on him, he can take it and your soul needs rest right now. Be kind and patient with yourself right now, you need time to heal. I know that you are not pouring it all out right now like you really want to, but we are here and do really care.

We need to stick together when the wind blows really hard and some of us feel your pain. Anytime you need to talk, vent or cry, we are here.

I could have missed the pain, but I would have to missed the dance.

Once more, Garth Brooks, the dance.

Looking back on the memory of,
The dance we shared, 'neath the stars above.
For a moment, all the world was right,
How could I have known, that you'd ever say good bye?

And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end,
The way it all would go,
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you, I held everything,
For a moment, wasn't I the king,
But if I'd only known, how the king would fall,
Hey who's to say, You know I might have changed it all,

And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end,
The way it all would go,
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Yes my life, is better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss.......The Dance

[El Jefe]

Debeye. Glad to see that you are healing.  1 small step at a time. I can't reiterate these sentiments more. May God keep you and bless you!
Andy

[happyoutsidegirl]

Thank you guys. yes  you people are becomeing my insperation. And you right bull frog, I have not pored it all out to all of you as I just didn't think it was apropreit here. I do find that talking about it helps, strainge maybe but it does. I had a rough time yesterday as I needed to go up stairs to the main hosp. floor to see a nurse I know. Without a thought about it  I went to the elavator instead of the stairs as I normally would of done. Well as I approched the stairs there was the ER! I fell into trembling and my breathing got real rappid. Even tho he didn't die there that is where it started and the last place I was able to talk to him and he to me in the next 12 days. After work I went over to the Dr. and she gave me some sleeping pills, and i slept a full 8 hours last night. Oh thank you dear God. It was the friend who I had gone up to see that actually made the call and appointment for me as she knew I would again put it off. Thank God for her too. Well I'm off to work and I'm sure it will be a better day as I finally got some sleep.

[happyoutsidegirl]

Well now I have made it threw my first week back to work. I'm drop dead tired. I get off at 2 came home jumped into my grubby shorts and sat and looked at my dog. It's still so bloody hot ya don't want to do anything. I grabbed my camara and 2 towles and said to Karliesue, come on lests go swimming, and off we went. It was great! Then on the way home I stopped off at a small store,restraunt tavern, that a friend ownes and had a bit to eat and a cold beer.All is ok. My first outting and I made it just fine.