Letters to Mom

[Bullfrog]

She has been gone for a long time now but if I could write her, I'd say this. You can leave one if you like but you don't have to. But, if you could write letters to Momma, what would they say?

This can actually be quite healing because we tend to shove painfull memories aside and deny them. We tend to bind up tightly into a box the memory of our loved ones that have died. We don't dare peek back there lest the pain comes back. It takes years to heal.

We don't want to go there, because it can bring back painfull memories of the end. But there finally comes a time that we can peek into the box to see the good things. I think that Momma paid me a visit this evening so here is my letter to Momma. By the way, if you do write one, she will read it. And we all will reflect on waht your Mom really mean't to you. Say it, she will hear it, open the box.

Dear Momma,
                      You have been gone for a long time now but every now and then you do come back and visit me. Like you did this evening through a cherished memory. As I sat on the porch and sipped a rum and 7 my mind went back long ago, to a galaxy far, far away.

I was maybe 5 or 6 and on the back of the comic book there was an incredible offer. It was a complete fishing set for $19.95. That looked like $100.00 to me but somehow you found the money. We mailed off for it and it finally arrived.

A small plastic tackle box with hooks, weights and bobbers. A really small, cheap rod with a plastic reel. It would not cast. I had to pull big loops off and hold them in my hand and cast it like a fly rod. I figured it out as I went.

You would put on a straw hat to keep the sun off of you and walk about a mile down a dirt road to my fishing hole with me. There was a large tree that gave you shade and you would sit there and watch me fish. Every time that I caught a miniscule perch I would hold it up and you would clap.

I kept the bigger ones and took them home. I would scale and clean them and them shake them in a brown paper bag with flour in it before I fried them. You taught me how to do this.

Later I got lazy and just dumped several of the perch into the flour canister and shook it. I obviously missed one because several day later something really began to stink in the kitchen. It took another couple of days to track it down and find it. A small dead perch in the flour canister.

I still get a good laugh out of this. You fussed at me for it but the entire memory is so entertwined with your love that it is still a cherished memory. I miss you Momma, see you soon.

Your Loving Son.

[Esther]

Well  how in the heck am I supposed to see when there's tears in my eyes.

Dear Momma,
I now know how hard life was for you, right from childhood and even somewhat through your marriage to Daddy. You took total care of me for most of the first 3 years of my life because Daddy was drafted into the army shortly after I was born. You worked as a nanny and maid and we lived with the family you worked for. Interesting because you worked for a wealthy family, you were taught some of the finer things in life about etiquette that you wouldn't ever have known living on a farm. To this day I can't stand it when Pete sets the table for company and puts the silverware in the wrong places. And he doesn't understand that the knife blade should be toward the plate with the water goblet at it's tip.

Mercy, you worked hard. Daddy was always out in the barn or in the fields. You cleaned the milking buckets and equipment, did the gardening, mowed the lawn, helped me take care of the animals, caught the chicken for Sunday dinner, chopped off his head, plucked his feathers and cleaned him. You canned, cooked everything you could get your hands on, baked everything from scratch, sewed all your and my clothes, crocheted fancies for the house and as gifts. You made quilts and afghans for everybody and their brother. You were always having company for meals or taking covered dishes to hurting people. You often entertained large groups of people from church and family and never batted an eye at having to cook all that food.

Oh and then you wired our farm house to keep it from burning down. You put texture paint on most of the rooms in the old farm house to cover the cracks in the plaster. You reupholstered and refinished the furniture you found at auctions so we could have nice things. You painted our kitchen floor so many times I remember the paint flaking off in chunks. Oh and remember the time you decided you had painted it one last time and bought a roll of linoleum? Remember spreading the glue on the floor and then you and I tried to slide it under the kickboard of the kitchen cupboards?? And remember it wouldn't slide?? So as usual I was barefoot anyways and walked in the glue to lift the linoleum up a bit to reposition it. We got it done didn't we?

Remember the runt baby piggies behind the wood stove. We took care of them until they were big enough to put back with the litter. Oh and I remember when you got fed up with our well that was way out by the barn. We had to pump the water into buckets and bring it in the house. But one day I brought in a bucket of water and there was a snail in the water. You said that was the last time we were having wildlife in our drinking water. LOL. Then a man came with a forked stick and doused for water around the house. He found a spot right near the back corner of the house and sure enough, down only about 40 feet just like he had said, the well driller man hit a good vein of water. Oh and then shortly after than we had a man come and put in a REAL bathroom. Wonder what happened to that old 2 holer that had stood out behind the house for so many years.

Funny, you never showed much emotion and just never hugged me or told me you cared. But daddy gave me a round aluminum lunch bucket last year like I used to carry to school in first and second grade. He told me how you used to stand in the upstairs window when it was time for me to come home from school. You would watch for the sun to reflect off the lunch bucket while I was walking alone swinging that bucket, coming home and you'd know I was OK.  I never went hungry. I never wanted for clothes. They might have been homemade or hand me downs but were never allowed to be warn with holes or tatters.

Remember those brown long cotton stockings? I hated those things. Where on earth did you find them? Nobody else in the world had to wear them. You also made me wear white ones for church on Sunday. All the other girls thought they were so cool because they were kind of like stockings that grown up ladies wore and were held u with a garter belt just like ladies wore. And dresses and skirts were what a young lady wore. Then something happened that convinced you it was OK for me to wear pants to school. I tore two skirts two days in a row, jumping out of swings to see who could jump the farthest. Then teacher told you that Wendy Littlefair and I were the best tree climbers in the country school. You weren't about to have your daughter with her skirt over her head!! And you finally were convinced I should be allowed to wear pants.

Remember when Daddy cut the legs off my pants? It was so hot and we were picking up stones out in the tilled  fields. I would drive the tractor to move the trailer ahead and then get down to pick up the little stones. The men picked up the bigger ones. Daddy must have noticed I was sweating a lot and took out his ever present jackknife and hacked the legs off the pants. I was so shocked because I knew you were going to have a fit when you found out Daddy had ruined my pants. All you did was hem up the bottoms and you didn't seem to mind that I had my first pair of unladylike shorts. After that you made shorts and matching tops for me to wear when it was hot.

Remember the bookmobile? You loved to read and Zane Gray was your favorite author. I would walk or ride my bike about 2 miles to school once a week in the summer and get 4 books from the children's section. Then I lied and told the bookmobile lady I needed 4 books for my mother. I took them home and read them all and you seldom had time to read any of them. Last May I was in an antique mall in Ashville NC and saw books by Zane Gray. I bought 4 of them just because it reminded me of you.

Remember when you dropped that huge post we were moving and it flipped out of my hands and landed on top of my foot? Remember all the times I stepped on nails when my feet were bare? You would soak my foot in Epson salts and water so hot I was convinced it was doing more harm than the nail had done. I don't remember going to doctors. Remember the honey, butter, and lemon mixture you'd give me for a sore throat. I almost would lie that I had a sore throat to get you to make that for me.

Oh and I remember when you have your tonsils out. You had it done in the doctor's office and came right home afterwards. Mercy you smelled bad of the ether they used to knock you out.

Remember when Aunt Luille gave me her old balloon tire bicycle when I was about 10. I was so amazed that you knew how to ride a bike. I had that bike until it was stolen when I was about 20.

We didn't play much did we? But even though you didn't say so, I knew you loved me because you took such good care of me and taught me how to be a good wife and mother. You left me with a legacy of teaching my children about Jesus at an early age just like you did me. What you have taught me has carried me through many tough times in my last 45 years and I have you and Daddy to thank for it. You taught me to have faith in God, work hard, be honest and trustworthy, to be frugal, to respect my elders and be responsible. What more does a person need to know?

Hey, did you know that Daddy remarried??? Yah, I was surprised too. But they are doing fine. Just thought you'd like to know she's a nice lady but doesn't know half what you did about getting along in life and "making do". Just the other day Daddy said, "Nobody could stretch a dollar like your mother." Well I guess I have gone on quite long enough. I have some embroidering to do for some people and I have to call Kevin to see how Braeden made out today. See, I think I have inherited a lot of your traits.  Lucky me. The older I get, the more I also look like you.

Love you mom.

[Mikey]

I sensed my foster mom was about to pass a few months back and I wrote her a letter expressing my love for her.  She passed away just a few weeks later.  My foster sister had me read the letter at the funeral service because it summed up her life real well.  I was very pleased I took the time to write the letter before she died.

[Esther]

You were lucky Mikey. I spent several days with my mother in a nursing home in Florida, just a few days before she died. She had lost most of her vision and seemed out of it most of the time. I just assumed she knew me but on Mother's day, we were talking and I happened to say my name. She said, "Esther, I have a daughter named Esther." I said, "That's me. I'm your daughter, Esther and you are my mother." She began to cry and cried very hard. I knew then she finally had made the connection. I told her that I had to go back to Michigan the next day and when she was well enough we would bring her to our house and put up a hospital bed in the dining room by the pond and she could get well there while I took care of her. She didn't answer to that. Maybe she sensed she wouldn't get well. She died two days later, right after I had left to fly back to Michigan. But I'm glad she knew I was there at least for a little while.

[Jerry]

Reading those letters was beautiful and painful all at the same time. :'( :'( :'( :'(
The icon is so appropriate.
I dare not write one unless my keyboard is waterproofed :'( :'(

[Mikey]

Here's the letter I sent to my foster mom just before she passed away this past November.  My foster sister read it to her and she said it brought tears of joy to my foster mom.  Here's some preliminary information to make the letter more understandable.  Although she was no relation to us she had us call her "Aunt Helen" and her husband "Uncle Hal".  "Big Mike" was my foster brother and of course I was known as "Little Mike".  "Bev" is the fetching Mrs. Mikey.  "Tom" is my older brother. 

****************************************************************


Aunt Helen

Thanks Aunt Helen for saving Tom and me so many years ago. 

Never will a monument be built in your honor.  Books won’t be written about your life nor would you want so for you seek not fortune or fame.  The plastic people of this world would call you, “just a housewife”.  A housewife you were, and much, much more.

You are not wealthy by man’s standards; however, you have treasures beyond belief stored in heaven.  In the 50’s/60’s you took in pregnant teens that were in need of compassion and love.  You never turned away a stranger and you gave them shelter and food.   Tom and I can attest to that.

Many years ago while a kitchen worker at a County-run facility for dependant children you met my big brother and I when we were about 9 and 7 years of age.   We had been through a lot with a father who had abandoned us and a mother who was apparently suffering from mental illness.  Even though you already had a family of your own and couldn’t afford more, you took us into your home and raised us as if we were your own.   Yes, you even spanked me like one of your own…..but I still say “Big Mike did it” (grinning here).   Related by love and not by law you had us call you Aunt Helen and your children became my brothers and sisters.  I may call you Aunt Helen but in my heart you are my mom.

Your greatest gift to me was when you introduced me to the Creator of all that is and that is the most blessed gift any parent, or Aunt, can give.   Because you introduced me to Jesus I chose to marry someone who was also a believer and as a result we also introduced our two children to Jesus.  They, like everyone, also had to make a choice to accept Him or reject Him.  They also chose to accept Him.  Our daughter married a wonderful Christian man and Bev and I are now proud grandparents with the birth of our grandson Gibson.  I say all of this just to thank you and show you part of your heritage; part of the treasures which you have stored in heaven.  When Gibson is older I will tell him all about my Aunt Helen.

Life is similar to a book, full of different chapters.  You are no longer the larger-than-life energetic person who saved Tom and I.  Uncle Hal has passed on and you Aunt Helen are slowly approaching the twilight of your mortal life.  Though you may be crippled by age and a stroke and that roaring fire inside you is now but a mere flicker but know this Aunt Helen; my love for you will always burn brightly for you taught me well and you pointed the way.  You taught me how to love and you pointed the way to eternal life.  I love you dearly.

 “Little Mike”

[Bullfrog]

Esther, I really envy your childhood. You express yourself so well. Especially when it comes to your mother. I have seen you write about her before.

And Mikey, that letter said so much. I post on several other forums and I planted this thought at one of them. It is really touching and amazing some of the meories that are being relived through this simple thread.

I know it means a lot more when it comes from a regular poster, because we all have a cyber relationship with them and feel close to them. We hurt when they hurt and laugh with them.

But please if you have a few minutes, read what Lawlady wrote to her father.

To my dad,
I sure miss you daddy. I miss the way you would swing me around in the kitchen or dance while I stood on top of your feet. I miss the way you would bragg on the "make believe" coffee I would make for you when you came home from work. I know that you missed mamma and would have liked to sit down and visit with her but you spent that time with me instead of shooing me away.

I miss our talks about whatever was on my mind that day. I miss the things you would build out of wood. I still have the hampers you made me..the big one and the smaller one for the boys, I'm saving it for the grandchildren you won't get to meet until Jesus comes back for all of us....I miss the way you used to whistle to "It's such a Pretty World Today" by Eddie Arnold.

Mamma still cries daddy....it will be nine long years on March 23rd.....she misses you so much.....she is very tired now....she sleeps more than she used to. She's waiting to come and be with you...she wonders why God keeps her here....I tell her it's for me...She misses Bubba so much...already a year has passed...I can't imagine her pain....she says it's harder to lose a child than a spouse....I tell her I never want to experience that....we are very close now daddy...mamma and me....who would have ever thought it would be this way with us....not in a million years.....but she did the best she could daddy....both of yall did.....and you did good.....I couldn't be more proud of the two of you.....

I miss the way you smelled after you shaved....Old Spice......and a clean white tee shirt.....I remember watching you shave.....I remember the last shave you received was from me.

I remember how we laughed because I had the shaving cream all over your mouth....I joked with you that I should put it all over your nose like you did to me when I was a child....and then tell me to run show mamma....I know now daddy....that was to get me out of the bathroom so you could finish shaving in peace....boy I could ask the questions......and now I watch my husband shave daddy....I still ask questions.....LOL>>>you should have passed on that secret to the shaving cream on the nose!

You would be so proud of how the boys turned out dad....the oldest one took after you and the husband....works in the plant/refinery....the youngest is so smart...still in college....he's on the Deans list daddy.....he builds computer programs for all types of things. He does something called "fire poi" dad.....it is so cool daddy, he twirls the fire in the night and makes so many patterns....he is very talented...hehas been asked to teach a class on Poi for the other students....he is so tall dad....both boys make me so proud....I love them so much.....

I wish I could ask you what my other child looks like.....is it a girl or a boy.....???? My heart still aches for that child......I think the pain is my punishment for letting go of that child.....but I will gladly bear it until I can apologize to that child for not letting him/her live.

Give him/her hugs for me daddy until I can get there....I'm taking care of mamma....just like I promised daddy....with Jesus help every day....she is so tired daddy....she's just so tired.....I miss bubba too dad, I'm glad he can walk again....and speak clearly....he was so sad down here....he wanted to go Home...I asked God to help him....I hope that was okay....I begged him to stay....but wanted him to be happy too...it's so hard doing without you guys.....the girls are living far away.....I'm the only one left here.....sometimes the lonliness is too hard to bear.....I've met some wonderful people this past year daddy...you would love them all....oh and I'm still singing daddy.....do you hear me when I sing dad? Does bubba hear me too?

I have to go now dad....tell the rest of the family and friends up there that I send my love....better yet....let Jesus do it....He shares love so well.....I love you daddy....I miss you so much....until we meet again....

[Esther]

Oh man, there I go again. Mikey's was so great. I'm not surprised at all. I've heard about his love and respect for Aunt Helen before.

The other letter was so sweet too. No dry eyes here.

[mascot]

These 'letters' kind of make me sad, not because I have fond memories of parents that have passed, but because I know that the past 30 years haven't given me very many good one's to look back on.  My parents are still alive, but to them I might as well be the one who has passed away.

The same day Bullfrog posted this, I got an email from my mother after not hearing from her for about two years.  Considering it's my mother, you would think she would want to know how I'm doing or what I've been up to, but her email was about everything around her, and there wasn't one iota of curiosity about me.  If you're wondering, two years ago I was near her home and called her (because she never liked me just 'dropping by').  I told her I'd like to see her because it had been a year or more, and she told me she was getting dinner ready and didn't have enough for me, and suggested I come by some other time. 

I had written out my 'letter to mom' and when I went to post it my internet froze up and the post was gone.  I had saved it in a text file, but I guess that was a sign that I shouldn't post it.

As for my father?  He had five kids and doesn't want anything to do with any of us, so I haven't spoken to him for more than 20 years.  The last time I did speak to him, sadly, was to threaten him.  He had beaten up my sister (about 14) and broke my brothers jaw in an angry rage.  The good news is that he never laid a hand on them after that.  People have asked if he was an alcoholic, as if that's justifiable, and I just tell them, "no, he's a a--hole, the alcohol is just an enhancement".

I wish I could tell of wonderful stories from my childhood, but I don't really have very many where my parents are involved.  Most decent memories I do have are punctuated with a sad or unpleasant ending.  I remember so many years at school when our first assignment was to write about our Summer vacation.  While most of my classmates told about trips and fun times, I usually made things up because my summers were never quite a 'vacation' for me.

I'm sorry to rain on everyone's parade here, but it's just a bit of a sad day for me (personal reasons) and seeing these brought out some emotions.  I'm glad people do have good memories from childhood, and I, by no means, think I had it worse than anyone else.  My issues of childhood, I know, are just a mere drop in the ocean compared to what some kids have to endure.  I don't make up stories anymore, but finding good memories is like finding a misplaced sock...you're glad you found it, but it's got a lot of junk all over it that you don't want others to see!

yeah, I still got it!

[happyoutsidegirl]

 :'( :'( :'( :'( My parents are both still alive, but these stories have really warmed my heart. I have thought many times of writing a letter to my Bill, and one day I'm sure I will. I'm told it's very healing.But for now I'll read your. Thanks Bullfrog for this thread.
Blind too It was good that you shared all that with us.It's good you get it out and not hold on to that garbage and become the mean bitter man your father is.
 :'( :'( Jerry my keyboard is soaked!

[Esther]

Blind too. You have the right to feel proud for how you have turned out. Anybody that can parent a blind parrot has to be a great person, considering you weren't given any of the right tools by the people who raised you. It is sad to hear that people have children and they are allowed to feel they are a bother by the very people who should love them the most.

I don't think you are married or have any children but you can use what you know is needed in the lives of other children to help some. Maybe you could be a big brother or coach a kid's sports team. You could be a mentor/tutor to kids who need help learning. All the time you can be parenting yourself and healing the sores of rejection that still exist.

I suspect you probably won't ever choose to meet up with your parents because each time you just get slapped down, once again. If you are like me, you avoid people who have a tendency to slap me, actually or figuratively. Makes sense to me. Thanks for sharing.

[Bullfrog]

Blind Too, I have to agree with Esther. You can still take that vacuum and turn it around and make a real difference in another kid's life, one like yourself.

I thought that I grew up poor and underpriveledged. My Dad died when I was 12 and my Mom only had a 4th grade education. They denied our Social Security so we only had $49.00 a month for the three of us.

But my Momma truly loved me. I also encourage you to share this with other kids. Campfire girls, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts. You can make a real difference in one child's life if you want to. A child that will remember you forever and maybe someday write "Letters to Dad."

I also understand if you dont choose to do this, we are your family now if you accept us. You talk, we listen. You ask for prayers, we are there. You ask for money, I bet you get some here. You have earned our respect.

There was another really touching reply to my inquiry. I am known as Moon at that website but I want you to share Cyber Hazard's awakening. I'll make it a separate post so it does not go so long. His words are to follow.

[Bullfrog]

Moon, when you posted that, it brought back so many memories I had to share. Tears actually flooded down my eyes. It felt good. I have not done that in years. My wife walked in and looked at me like I was crazy. I have never cried in front of her in the 4 years that we have been together. I was taught at a young age by my father and uncle that men don't cry. We move on and do the right thing. But it felt good to do so tonight.

[Bullfrog]

He never spoke to her for a really long time. Here is his letter to Momma.

Momma,

It has been 13 years since I last seen your gentle face, heard your fear calming voice, or felt your loving embrace.

A lot has happen since I was 9. I had to grow up and become a man very, very quickly. I went from mommy's boy to full blooded, self dependent rough neck in 3 years. Mom, I have seen more and done more in the past 13 years of my life that I hope no one has to ever go through. Ever. I have slept under bridges in a tent, eaten food thrown away out of a dumpster behind HEB, and worked my fingers to the bone since I was 12.

I have made some very unwise choices through out my life that I'm sure you would not have approved of.

I tried many drugs and drank at a young age. Once dad passed away, when I was twelve, I did not really have a father figure. Uncle Bubba was the only real father figure I had. And you know his dirty old ways. LOL. Pot smoking, drinking, harley riding roughneck. But he raised me the best way he knew how.

After Uncle Bubba's health began to fail, he sent me to live with Melisa and Ricky. They provided me a couch to sleep on, and something resembling a family.

I slowly began to deal with the fact that you and dad were gone, forever. I pulled myself up and told myself to never look back. In fact, I never really have . I have always kept my head going in a forward direction, not dwelling on the past. Until tonight. Tonight I read something that touched my heart from someone that I would consider a dear friend, and I decided to drop you a line. Don't worry, I don't expect a letter back.


But I hope that I have so far lived up to the man that you wanted me to become.

I have a beautiful daughter too! Me and my wife, Jaclyn, named her after you. Her name is Lillie Fay Lee. We got Lillie from my wifes grandmother's name, and of course Fay from you. She is so cute and full of energy. I hope that I can provide for her what was unable to be provided by you and my father from your quick departure of this existence.

I graduated from high school! How many of our family can say they did that? I also took some college, paying for it out of my own pocket from money I had earned.

Now I have a family of my own to take care of. I have a good, steady job. I also make a decent wage. I have 4 different automobiles, all paid off. Not too shabby for someone that is only 21 eh?

I hope I have lived up to what you wanted in a child.

Sincerely,

Herman Lee

[Bullfrog]

Another really good friend of mine who is dying of brain cancer, Dana (Texasbelle5) was talking to her Momma. A really beautiful letter to Momma.

Momma,

It's been 9 years since you left us. I miss you more than you will ever know. Or perhaps you already know what a hole you left when you passed into Paradise.

But I wouldn't call you back here for all the riches in the world. You are whole, young, healthy and happy. I remember how beautiful you looked last summer when you visited me. So I know you are fine and waiting for Guy and me to get there.
There are almost too memories and laughs to count, but here is one of my favorites:

Do you remember when we would go antiquing? I loved spending the afternoon with you as we went to white elephant stores and antique shops looking for old jars and bottles. I still have all of that glass and I keep them in your old china cabinet, along with Poppa George's pipe and coffee cup (my great grandfather).

Enjoy Paradise Momma. I will be there soon and we wil not be separated again.

I love you.

[Bullfrog]

They are all close to me. I never asked if I could share their stories or memories here but I think that they would not really care. I am proud to call them friends and think that they touch on things that go beyond what makes us just flesh and blood.

They confess the  memories that make us all people. Dancing on Daddies shoes, make believe coffee, fear calming voices.

The visits in dreams when you were still young and healthy, and yes, clapping every time I caught a really small perch. I hope that somehow we can all find some healing in this, by looking back at the small things.

Some people just say it so well.

[Bullfrog]

I'm going back to them now and invite them to join us here.

<poof> I'm gone for the night.

[Bullfrog]

My most precious friend Texasbelle5 is reading here as I speak right now. I really hope that she registers and joins us here. She is really a light shining in the darkness.

We both post on a really controvosial forum that is forever in battle. She has so much to bring here, come on Dana, please join us.

[texasbelle5]

I am here bullfrog. And this is a wonderful forum. Hello everyone. Thanks for telling me about this forum bf.

[happyoutsidegirl]

Welcome Texasbell![/color]


                                                                 Welcome Texasbell![/color]

[Esther]

  Thanks Bullfrog for starting this thread and sharing the letters of friends from another forum. It's enlightening to read about the deepest emotional feelings of other people we don't even know. Even though we all may have different experiences and memories, we all have a connection in that we are sharing a part of our lives from childhood with each other. As human beings, we should more often share on the same level and try to help each other even if it is just listening to someone as they reach back in their lives and talk about someone who hopefully was special in their lives. We have reached out and touched each other on this thread. It was nice. 

[Bullfrog]

I really am so glad that she is here. Texasbelle is really a gem like Esther. Soon I hope that Yorkie will also join us. I only invited the really good ones.

God bless you Dana (Texasbelle) please meet all of the really fine folks here.

I am going to write another letter to Momma, it really makes me feel beeter way down inside. I miss her and need to tell her this.

A lot has happened and I have grown a lot since she left but she still holds a great big chunk of my heart.

Talk to us Belle and bring Yorkie please.

[Bullfrog]

Just myself, I am dancing on air that Texasbelle is here with us. This is wonderfull.

[bubbles]

Hi everyone.  My name is Bubbles.  Bullfrog directed me to your site.  Thanks for letting me join. 

[mascot]

Blind too. You have the right to feel proud for how you have turned out. Anybody that can parent a blind parrot has to be a great person, considering you weren't given any of the right tools by the people who raised you. It is sad to hear that people have children and they are allowed to feel they are a bother by the very people who should love them the most.

I don't think you are married or have any children but you can use what you know is needed in the lives of other children to help some. Maybe you could be a big brother or coach a kid's sports team. You could be a mentor/tutor to kids who need help learning. All the time you can be parenting yourself and healing the sores of rejection that still exist.

I suspect you probably won't ever choose to meet up with your parents because each time you just get slapped down, once again. If you are like me, you avoid people who have a tendency to slap me, actually or figuratively. Makes sense to me. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, Esther.  Yes, I have learned that my own mental health is thicker than water, too.  One day I decided to write down all the events of my life that left me feeling out in the cold by my parents, and when I looked back there were so many that I often wonder why I kept going back for more.  As a child I had no choice, but as an adult...there's one thing my mother did that I feel is completely unforgivable, not because I don't have the capacity...but because she never felt she did anything wrong, and didn't regret what she did.  Still, to this day, I'm shocked by her actions and have never figured out why she did that.

Nonetheless, that was my life, the only one I knew and I wouldn't ever want to change my past even if I could.  I know my life wasn't too awful, but it is rather ironic that what I learned most from my father was to NOT be like him.  I knew what it was like first hand, and I didn't like it.

Oh, and about Rocky (blind too)...that's all him, he makes me look good, he doesn't require much from me and I don't disappoint him in that regard! 

[Bullfrog]

no.

[Bullfrog]

no.

[Bullfrog]

Please pardon these two posts. I tried to write my dead daughter and Istill can't do it.

[Desertponder]

Your letters are all deep and heartfelt.

When my mother passed away nearly 24 years ago I thought it was the end of the world. I went into a deep depression, lost my job because of it and retreated into my own little world of grief. No one else in my family really helped me through it other than my mother's sister. We became very close and she was my surrogate mom until she passed several years ago. If she hadn't reached in and pulled me out of my own little world I don't know where I would be.
I have very mixed emotions now about my mother. When she died, we were very close. Too close actually but I didn't realize it. I was a very protected only child and as an adult I've paid dearly for that. My mother was so protective that even though I was in my early 20's when she passed away, I basically could not function without her telling me what to do. I was pretty brainwashed. I had to learn to think for myself and I had to learn to be independent. It was a tough go. Many things about that relationship still affect my life today and if I let myself think about it I get pretty angry and resentful that a person would shelter a child to the point that they were completely dependent on you and clueless that they had a choice.
I've missed my mother very much but on the other hand, If I could see her again I'm not sure how I would react.
I've worked hard to break away from the ties that held me down. I've still not overcome them all but I feel like I've done pretty well considering. Some of my other relatives have not liked the changes I've made and don't appreciate the fact that I didn't jump everytime they barked but I knew I had to do it for myself. My father is still alive and is 84. He's learned a great deal over the years and realizes that they made some bad mistakes and he's learned to respect me. We have a pretty good relationship.

If I had to sit down and write a letter to my mother I truly would not know where to begin. 

[Bullfrog]

Shanna, it is really a shame that there is no manual or handbook on the most important job that we will ever have and that is how to be a good parent. We are all people with our strengths and weaknesses. We all have shortcomings.

It sounds to me that your mother really did love you and held you close. Looking back, you feel that it was maybe too close?

I know that I made mistakes raising my kids but they turned out good. My daughter and son are both very active in their Church. Still, when we are off we all ride the Harleys together on Sunday. My son in law has a Low Rider like me and my son has a Sportster but has a HD Rocker on order. I'm glad I'm still here to be with them and they do enjoy my company.

The letter that I posted from Cyber Hazard is a good example of an adult looking back when he hadn't done that in a lot of years. He actually cried when he did and his wife walked in. She had never seen him cry.

When I first posted it there on that other board I said that it could be healing in a way. When he wrote his letter it opened up a lot of memories and emotions. For him it was really healing in a way.

Maybe it is just not the time for you to write her a letter. It does kind of snap things into focus when you do. I think of my mother from time to time, but if I considered writing her a letter it makes me think, "What would I say?"

You follow your heart, you seem like you turned out just fine to me and I always like reading what you post.